This film is of my lived experience…
at my Abuelita’s bedside witnessing her struggle to breathe and finding myself simultaneous choking in my own shame of being queer. I was grieving how this was my first time being so close to her, getting to really be with her as my authentic queer self. It devastates me that we had to sit so close to death to have an honest conversation about who I love. I was unaware of the anxiety, depression, and tension present until my Abuelita said she was happy for me. My mother, Araceli, raised me to support each other no matter what, it’s familia. Yet, if our values are misaligned there is never space to talk about it. Araceli’s fear of family disapproval is the reason she kept my identity a secret. It was at the cost of taking away memories and relationships I could have built with my family. Working with my anxiety and dissociation to embrace my true self helped me have the opportunity to finally have a relationship with my Abuelita that felt authentic and safe. I was able to start healing from fear and move forward as our family continues to mourn the death of our matriarch.
Why Now? Why Me?
Bienvenida Abuelita is a film to continue that conversation about breaking the cycle of passing down traumas of fear, anxiety, depression and erasure. I lived my mother's fear because she lived her mothers fear, and I do not want to continue passing along that anxiety and depression of not being accepted and being too afraid to own all of who I am fully. In the past year, violence in communities as well as in national and international policy has increased creating legal ways to silence and condemn queer and trans folks in our society. In the wake of grieving all that has been lost in the pandemic with uncertainty persisting my state of mental wellness has been hindered. This film is a way for me to seek mental wellness and clarity by being uncensored in my experience in ways that embraces who I am and celebrates the joy of family inclusion from my Abuelita and my mother. It is about healing from the trauma that fear and anxiety create so that I can grow to be a good ancestor, one of unconditional love and acceptance regardless of my religious background or cultural taboos. This film is a way for me to take a deep reflective breath, and invite others to do the same so that they too can heal from whatever grief they experience in their own lives.